I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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