Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
