Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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