Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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