Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
