Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
