I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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