Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
