I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
