it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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