GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
