I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
