Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
