It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
