why didn't you poke me back
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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