Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wish you could order shots online.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
