I accidentally had phone sex last night
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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