wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
