Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
