the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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