Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
