Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
