ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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