I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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