Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
