literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
