I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning