Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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