I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
