Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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