Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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