8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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