I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
