Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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