I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
