i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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