i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
