I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
