Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
