My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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