using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize