dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
