Soap is not a condiment
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
