This is not my ceiling
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
