he thought i was a dude.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
