Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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