glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
