3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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