she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
