You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Soap is not a condiment
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
