apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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