i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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