fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
