so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
