Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if only i could text you this smell
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Randomize
