shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
