I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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