I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
