just tell him i said nine months
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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