Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
