Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
