I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
