The best revenge is premature balding
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
