she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
