If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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